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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| i would think that most people would have abandoned this site by now for others like myspace or facebook or some other junk. i think back when xanga was popular, it was a place where you could "unleash" yourself. sure, it's a bitch site, but i think it helped destress young'ins.. haha i sound like i'm so old but i'm not. i guess i just have a mature heart? i bring out the kid in me only when i'm like drunk. i still have a half an hour til my expos final and i'm just sitting here kind of bored. i can't study for it because i dont know the question and pretty much know all the material. my life is a roller coaster ride. i thought that once i got to college, it'd be all sparkle & shine.. work work work. who would have thought that i would turn into the party girl i am right now? my friends certainly dont believe it. i've met some interesting people this semester. there was drama that i wish i wasn't included in, but it happens. i deleted 2 people from my life. yes, delete. they dont exist in my phonebook, buddy list, facebook, whatever. 2 of which were guys because they decided to become little girls who have more of an attitude than me. i thought people could be more mature here, but i guess not. i guess i missed caucus a lot because we are pretty mature but still kids at heart. it isn't going to stop anytime soon, but people seriously need to stop talking shit behind people's backs. you know what you are when you do that? you're a wimp who can't suck it up and talk it out. gosh, i hate how guys stereotype girls and think that girls are so fuckin fragile that they can't handle hurtful words or whatever. i think i'm pretty tough, but i can't stand people who can't be mature. i've dealt with too much backstabbing and crap to know what's going on. so you know what i said to them? goodbye. only good days from here. i can't wait until christmas to see my second family and the guy i havent seen since like forever. haha. mmmmmm scandalous. heheh. i like typing a lot because no one wants to read this. i should go take the final now. good luck to me. | | |
| even before college started, i vowed to myself that i would keep a record of all my emotions and events. a new school, a new life.. new events, new people, new experiences. i guess my journal serves the purpose of being my sanity. why i choose to type it here is because my hand will cramp up because i know i will write a lot, plus i'm tired. to sum it up my life so far, i guess things arent that great but it's not like i'm 6 feet deep in sorrow. sometimes i really wish i could be innocent again. i wish i was like my best buddy here because she doesnt know anything and it's cute. i think sometimes that the way i feel is too mature for the people i hang out with so i try to do immature things. but i have to throw away that thing of trying on personalities or emotions. the opening does not match with the key. i thought that i found someone that could possibly keep me happy and possibly bring me back to that state of when i felt my emotions. sure i can be sad.. but i dont feel the pang in my chest. sure i can be happy and smiling, but it just doesnt feel right. i try to go out as much as possible so i can meet more people.. so i won't be as lonely. i just seem to retreat back to that state of early senior year. i was an emotionless zombie. i just want someone to accept me for who i am, someone who won't ditch me, someone who was stable, someone who knew what they wanted out of life, a direction, someone who doesnt run back to his past. someone who will respect me. i wish things were clear to me except the lectures i go to for school. but that's not the point. i guess it isn't my time yet to find someone genuine. i can't always be the "stable" one because i dont really want to wear the pants in a relationship. i need a balance.. a mutal relationship. i can't be with someone that is all over the damn map and has me walking through a fog. i can't be with someone who is just using me until they find someone better. i can't be with someone that uses me once and forgets about me. i had high expectations from every guy i met.. i was too hopeful. sometimes i runaway from people because i dont want to lose myself. my core starts to disintegrate and disappear. i envy couples because they're in a world of their own and they're happy. as i walking back from a friend's dorm tonight in the cold, by myself, i saw a couple walking ahead of me and they kissed. i envied them because i never had that and i wish i had that. for once, i really know what i want. and all i want is to feel some kind of emotion that tells me that i'm still a functioning human. who knows when that will happen... | | |
| i guess for now, this xanga serves as the purpose of my personal journal because i am either a) too tired to write my thoughts in my real journal b) too busy to start an entry c) i can't remember everything that has happened since i started school d) there is too much detail that needs to be written. i can't seem to fall asleep and these are the moments when my mind likes to mess with me. browsing around is so bad, especially on sites like facebook, xanga, and myspace. sometimes you find out something good and most of the times they are really bad. i usually tend to find a lot of negative stuff. something that is bothering me and has been concerning me for quite some time is the idea of love. people throw around the phrase "i love you" whether it be in english or some other language. i think that it has lost all value unless you're totally innocent and not numb like me. it's hard to hear it said with emotion, passion and genuinely. i'm so old school that it's pretty damn funny. i want that feeling back of blushing and being nervous. i liked the idea of liking someone even if they didn't like me back because i was a loser. in college, it's different because everything is so new and the people you meet are new. people find qualities in you that you haven't quite figured out yet, at least that's the way it is with me. but i'm digressing. people sometimes say "i love you" just so they wouldn't get hurt or just the purpose of saying it. i despise that because i still want to keep the real emotion intact. i want to feel something when someone says that to me. i've been numb for quite some time although bri oppa wants me to think that i'm not and that i'm still capable of feeling something, anything. i hate it when my guyfriend tells me that he loves me out of randomness. it bothers the shit out of me because it's used in such a weird way and i'm scared because no one ever said that to me. i've never been in a relationship to know what "love" feels like. i know what the true love is, but i can't help gear everything towards the human one. my heart is black and ice cold. i don't think i'll ever find someone who will pump it back to red and melt the ice around it, as emo as it sounds. sigh. when will i grow out of this phase? | | |
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| why i am up at 8:16 in the morning makes me think when i could sleep another 2 hours until one of my lectures. but i'm sitting in front of my laptop because im typing a paper that isn't even mine. i'm worried sick about someone right now. he sent drunken text messages and 2 were repeats at different times of the night. from the messages that i woke up to because i wanted to see what time it was, he didnt seem to be okay. i thought he would be okay last night but apparently he went past his tolerance state and i knew it might happen because he didnt get to eat anything beforehand. so i'm sort of freaking out and doing his expository writing paper because well i'm more than helping him out. i'm surprised that he even remembered to send me his paper so that i could finish it on my laptop. i really hope he's okay. if i think about it, he's all i've got here. my friends are starting to annoy the heck out of me because all they think about is drinking. i get peer pressured all the time from one friend because i'm officially calling her a drunk/alcoholic. she doesnt want to drink alone so she needs to have me there and drink something. the one time, i didnt want to anymore and she came back with a cup of beer and asked me to take a sip because she doesnt think that i'm buzzed when she had so much to drink. to stop her yap from whining, i took a sip and as i was putting the cup down, she pushed the cup into my face causing some of the beer to spill on my sweater and some parts of my clothes. she denies that she's drunk and complains that she isn't at the level we were at when we first drank when we got here. i'm so fuckin stressed out because of her and i've been trying to cut her off. right now, i'm worried about "him". i really hope he's okay and i hope that he will show some sign of life in about 2 hours or so. don't ask me why i'm writing his expos paper because i'm stupid and love to write. plus i care about other people more than myself for some reason. i can't wait until my hometown friend gets here tomorrow and janet to come down next weekend. i need some sanity. so much happens everyday and i just don't want to deal with it sometimes. this has to be like my longest entry since i last wrote. i just have so much on my mind that i wish i could just wash it all out and be stress free. what i'm going to do or can do, i dont really know. the only thing i can do it just see where everything goes. i'm so stressed out. | | |
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